A Small String of Hope

Unfortunately, I have not stayed as healthy as I was hoping my new energy had been promising. I was in the hospital this week with 2 different severe ear infections in BOTH ears. I won’t go into the disgusting details, but I have both inner and outer ear infections in both ears, and can’t hear squat. The problem lies in the fact that the doctors can’t seem to get the infections out of my ears completely. That is mostly due to the fact that the medications interact with my epilepsy meds and I am allergic to penicillin, so the obvious choice is a no-go. Ugh.

Either way, I am home now and feeling better today. Hopefully this means that the antibiotic is working and not wreaking as much havoc on my liver as was feared. I’m trying to drink lots of water and keep a fairly healthy diet to help my immune system as best as I can. The ER docs said they think part of the issues with my ears are due to the fact that my body has been fighting various infections for so long now (over 3 months of serious illness) that it just can’t do it alone any more. So, I am trying to help myself by keeping a positive outlook, staying as healthy as possible, and working with the doctors as best as I can to get myself taken care of.

Last week was a real rough one, though. I was feeling very depressed and hopeless. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. It scares me to think that one of these illnesses can easily cause a relapse in another, and the stress/emotional toll from my epilepsy meds is really wearing on me. I finally opened up to Jason about my fears of the way my personality has changed and how scared I am that I won’t be able to find myself again.  My biggest fear is that I won’t be the same person I was before all of this happened to me and that the rage and depression will rule me forever. He was as wonderful as ever and really helped me come to grips with the fact that a lot of these fears and emotional issues really are the meds, and not me. I think the best thing he has said – second to “I love you and will always stand by you” – is that I will be a better person from all of this because I will always remember how I feel now and will be that much more thankful when I am happy and healthy again.

It may not seem like much, but I am hanging on to that small string of hope with all my might – and there’s no way I’m letting go.

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